I was driving back home from work the other day, and I saw a poster plastered across a wall covering half a ‘Stick No Bills’ sign. The poster seemed to be for a movie of the Erotic Comedy Noir genre called ‘Tu Hamaar Babua’. I say ‘Noir’ simply because the poster was in Black & White. Now I don’t really mind Ghaati Bhojpuri flicks because… Well, there’re no pretensions there. They’re meant to be ghaati. This post isn’t about them.
This deals with ghaatiness of another kind. These movies look like harmless genre flicks from the outside, but beware! Hidden inside in 70mm are cinematic gems that, depending upon your perspective, either need to be preserved in titanium reinforced containers for generations to come (Mine) or destroyed and buried at sea, not unlike the Decepticons at the end of the Transformers movie (Everyone else’s). These are my first picks for ‘Unintentionally Funny, Must-Watch Bollywood Movies’ through the ages:
Intended Genre: Fantasy Revenge Saga
Actual Genre: Story that makes you go “Wha!?”… With bad special effects.
The plot summary they’ve given on Wikipedia is a read through not to be missed! Don’t miss the part about the force-field wielding college dean/priest, Raj Babbar. Just keep in mind that the actual movie is like a gazillion times more bizarre than that write up.
Personal Favourite Scene: Where, for some inexplixable reason, the killer Anaconda Naag starts making out with Sunil Shetty.
Rated X-essively Bizzare
Intended Genre: Action, with Socio-Political Commentary
Actual Genre: Gay Porno… Sponsored by Mountain Dew
Every time I watch a movie like this, I’m forced to wonder whether the actors sometimes stop during the making and think to themselves, “Man, this is gonna suck!” Then they go ahead and make another one, and I realize, “Umm… NO!”
Mission Istanbul is basically a Homo-Erotic Mountain Dew Commercial. Now, I don’t remember the exact dialogues, but I think the below reconstruction of one of the scenes is pretty accurate and should give you a fair gist.
ADVENTURES OF TARZAN
Intended Genre: Adventure
Actual Genre: Movies made with less than 2 square centimeters of cloth for costumes.
Admittedly, I haven’t seen the entire movie. So for all I know, this is an actual cinematic masterpiece. But going by the parts I did see, that seems highly unlikely. A fact reiterated by the soundtrack from the master who gave us classics such as, “You are my chicken fry” and “I am sorry sorry madam, I am late late.. Traffic Jam”. Who else but Bappi Lahiri?
Favourite Lyrics (From the gem ‘Tarzan, Oh my Tarzan!’): “God made man, but tailor makes gentleman!”
PS – If you think I’m kidding, check out the entire song here.
Adventures of Tarzan: The story of how a woman can wear waterproof lipstick in the jungle, but not a bra!
Intended Genre: Family Drama
Actual Genre: Subhash Ghai: The Hardcore Anti-Not-Retarded-Audience Man!
Again, a movie I’ve only watched the first 17 minutes of (Thanks for the recomme
ndation, Kanksha). But man, oh man! In those 17 minutes, this movie surpasses all that came before it. Sample this:
Salman gives Katrina flowers to apologise. Katrina falls in love and wants to get him a gift of her own. What is the ideal return gift for flowers, you ask? Why, a superbike, of course. And how do you deliver that superbike to him? Well, you defy all sane logic and somehow manage to sneak it into his bedroom… which is on the first floor… and all this, completed in the time he takes to have a bath.
I have to admit. I thought it was a dream sequence at first. Turns out, I was just giving them too much credit.
The gift from logistical hell!
Intended Genre: Romance
Actual Genre: Movies that can actually make us forgive actors who take to drug addiction!
I mean, seriously! ‘Doped’ is the only way someone would star in a movie like this, let alone debut.The trippy dialogues aside, and there some trippy ones here… Such as the 60 year old man complementing the 20 year old girl on her “Kamaal ka husn”. Or the chick who starts lecturing her wannabe rapist on how she is the “Bharatiya naari ki sabhyata ka prateek”… while he’s still chasing her! Anyways, that aside, the movie is just plain disturbing.
Disturbian Dialogue Hall of Fame : Father hugs daughter who he’s had a fight with, lets out what can only be called a soft moan (And I mean that in the exact sense you’re thinking it), and tells her, “Tum nahi jaanti mere andar abhi kya ho raha hai! *Soft Moan*”
Story of Burning ________ (Insert Synonym for ‘Brain’)
RAJA KI AAYEGI BARAAT
Intended Genre: Female Empowerment Social Drama
Actual Genre: Movies that make you lose faith in the justice system
Plot Summary: Rani screams at guy. Guy rapes Rani. Rani screams at judge. Guy tries to get Rani killed. Rani Escapes. Rani screams at judge some more. Judge feels guilty and delivers his verdict.
What’s the verdict, you ask? 7 years rigorous imprisonment? Sazaa-e-Maut? Oh no, this is Bollywood! Picture abhi baaki hai mere dost. The judge, evidently with her best interests in mind, orders the guy to marry Rani (!!??) And Rani, for reasons beyond comprehension, seems to think that marrying the ugly fuck who raped her is a good idea. The rest of the movie is pretty much a series of hilarious capers where the vampy bhabhi tries to off Rani, but ends up getting blown to bits in the kitchen herself. Good stuff! Surprisingly, and I quote the its Wiki, “The movie failed miserably at the box office.” Go figure.
Rupees 34 only… The actual DVD and the surreal photoshopped graphics.
Next time: Ghaat The Hell!? Unintentionally Funny, Must-Watch Bollywood Movies – Part 2 (Suggestions will be appreciated)