Ghaat The Hell!? Unintentionally Funny, Must-Watch Bollywood Movies – Part 1

I was driving back home from work the other day, and I saw a poster plastered across a wall covering half a ‘Stick No Bills’ sign. The poster seemed to be for a movie of the Erotic Comedy Noir genre called ‘Tu Hamaar Babua’. I say ‘Noir’ simply because the poster was in Black & White. Now I don’t really mind Ghaati Bhojpuri flicks because… Well, there’re no pretensions there. They’re meant to be ghaati. This post isn’t about them.

This deals with ghaatiness of another kind. These movies look like harmless genre flicks from the outside, but beware! Hidden inside in 70mm are cinematic gems that, depending upon your perspective, either need to be preserved in titanium reinforced containers for generations to come (Mine) or destroyed and buried at sea, not unlike the Decepticons at the end of the Transformers movie (Everyone else’s). These are my first picks for ‘Unintentionally Funny, Must-Watch Bollywood Movies’ through the ages:

JAANI DUSHMAN

Intended Genre: Fantasy Revenge Saga

Actual Genre: Story that makes you go “Wha!?”… With bad special effects.

The plot summary they’ve given on Wikipedia is a read through not to be missed! Don’t miss the part about the force-field wielding college dean/priest, Raj Babbar. Just keep in mind that the actual movie is like a gazillion times more bizarre than that write up.

Personal Favourite Scene: Where, for some inexplixable reason, the killer Anaconda Naag starts making out with Sunil Shetty.

Rated X-essively Bizzare

MISSION ISTANBUL

Intended Genre: Action, with Socio-Political Commentary

Actual Genre: Gay Porno… Sponsored by Mountain Dew

Every time I watch a movie like this, I’m forced to wonder whether the actors sometimes stop during the making and think to themselves, “Man, this is gonna suck!” Then they go ahead and make another one, and I realize, “Umm… NO!”

Mission Istanbul is basically a Homo-Erotic Mountain Dew Commercial. Now, I don’t remember the exact dialogues, but I think the below reconstruction of one of the scenes is pretty accurate and should give you a fair gist.

Block 1:

Zayed Khan: Whoa dude! Nice pecks!

Block 2:

The Other Guy: Sorry pal! Not interested. I’m a one man man. Nice pickup line, though.

Block 3:

Bald Guy: Yeh kya chal raha hai yahaan?

Other Guy: No baby, aisa kuch nahi hai.

Block 4:

Bald Guy: Mujhe kuch nahi sunna. (To Zayed) Dafaa ho jaa yahaan se Daayan.

Block 5:

Other Guy: Dude, I don’t know what you’re doing in this scene but I’m gonna make out with you anyways…

Block 6:

Other Guy to Bald Guy: It’s not you, it’s me.

Bald Guy: Don’t leave me. I’m scared! Tumhare bina main adhura hoon!

Other Guy: Darr Ke Aage Jeet Hai!

Like I said… Pretty Accurate.

ADVENTURES OF TARZAN

Intended Genre: Adventure

Actual Genre: Movies made with less than 2 square centimeters of cloth for costumes.

Admittedly, I haven’t seen the entire movie. So for all I know, this is an actual cinematic masterpiece. But going by the parts I did see, that seems highly unlikely. A fact reiterated by the soundtrack from the master who gave us classics such as, “You are my chicken fry” and “I am sorry sorry madam, I am late late.. Traffic Jam”. Who else but Bappi Lahiri?

Favourite Lyrics (From the gem ‘Tarzan, Oh my Tarzan!’): “God made man, but tailor makes gentleman!”

PS – If you think I’m kidding, check out the entire song here.

Adventures of Tarzan: The story of how a woman can wear waterproof lipstick in the jungle, but not a bra!

YUVVRAAJ

Intended Genre: Family Drama

Actual Genre: Subhash Ghai: The Hardcore Anti-Not-Retarded-Audience Man!

Again, a movie I’ve only watched the first 17 minutes of (Thanks for the recomme

ndation, Kanksha). But man, oh man! In those 17 minutes, this movie surpasses all that came before it. Sample this:

Salman gives Katrina flowers to apologise. Katrina falls in love and wants to get him a gift of her own. What is the ideal return gift for flowers, you ask? Why, a superbike, of course. And how do you deliver that superbike to him? Well, you defy all sane logic and somehow manage to sneak it into his bedroom… which is on the first floor… and all this, completed in the time he takes to have a bath.

I have to admit. I thought it was a dream sequence at first. Turns out, I was just giving them too much credit.

The gift from logistical hell!

PREM AGGAN

Intended Genre: Romance

Actual Genre: Movies that can actually make us forgive actors who take to drug addiction!

I mean, seriously! ‘Doped’ is the only way someone would star in a movie like this, let alone debut.The trippy dialogues aside, and there some trippy ones here… Such as the 60 year old man complementing the 20 year old girl on her “Kamaal ka husn”. Or the chick who starts lecturing her wannabe rapist on how she is the “Bharatiya naari ki sabhyata ka prateek”… while he’s still chasing her! Anyways, that aside, the movie is just plain disturbing.

Disturbian Dialogue Hall of Fame : Father hugs daughter who he’s had a fight with, lets out what can only be called a soft moan (And I mean that in the exact sense you’re thinking it), and tells her, “Tum nahi jaanti mere andar abhi kya ho raha hai! *Soft Moan*”

Story of Burning ________ (Insert Synonym for ‘Brain’)

RAJA KI AAYEGI BARAAT

Intended Genre: Female Empowerment Social Drama

Actual Genre: Movies that make you lose faith in the justice system

Plot Summary: Rani screams at guy. Guy rapes Rani. Rani screams at judge. Guy tries to get Rani killed. Rani Escapes. Rani screams at judge some more. Judge feels guilty and delivers his verdict.

What’s the verdict, you ask? 7 years rigorous imprisonment? Sazaa-e-Maut? Oh no, this is Bollywood! Picture abhi baaki hai mere dost. The judge, evidently with her best interests in mind, orders the guy to marry Rani (!!??) And Rani, for reasons beyond comprehension, seems to think that marrying the ugly fuck who raped her is a good idea. The rest of the movie is pretty much a series of hilarious capers where the vampy bhabhi tries to off Rani, but ends up getting blown to bits in the kitchen herself. Good stuff! Surprisingly, and I quote the its Wiki, “The movie failed miserably at the box office.” Go figure.

Rupees 34 only… The actual DVD and the surreal photoshopped graphics.

Next time: Ghaat The Hell!? Unintentionally Funny, Must-Watch Bollywood Movies – Part 2 (Suggestions will be appreciated)

Rating 4.94 out of 5
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20 Responses to “Ghaat The Hell!? Unintentionally Funny, Must-Watch Bollywood Movies – Part 1”

  1. Prashant says:

    Would you believe that “The Other Guy” from Mission Istanbul was a school batchmate…

  2. 123 says:

    Really enjoy all your cartoon strips. But dont quiet get the word ‘ghaati’. I used to think it is like a derogatory term for ppl from a particular state. Don’t think you are using it in that sense for your blogs.

  3. Sid says:

    You forgot Tarzan – The Wonder Car!

  4. Arjun Ghose says:

    Thanks so much for Jaani Dushman, Sahil. It holds a very speacik place in my heart. Sob.

  5. Soumitra says:

    Dhund – The Fog.. Starring Amarrr ‘Miheer’ Upadhyay and Aditi Govitrikar
    Tauba Tauba – ‘Starring’ Payal Rohatgi and Vikas Kalantri
    Chura Liya Hai Tumne – Zayed Khan’s debut also featuring Rakhi Sawant

    I could go on and on

  6. Soumitra says:

    And I’ve seen all 3 in the theater… start to finish :)

  7. shruti says:

    lol…i hv not laughed so much in ages! i’m going to look though all the other articles on this site! and when it comes to these movies and several other bolly-gems, ghaat is right!!

  8. spongy says:

    hi…lolllll…i m stil laughin after seein the list of movies ablove…my personal favorite is jani dushman n the nag was oh-so-hot…if u havent seen then u must watch this movie..dev anands CENSOR…i can vouch for that u will love it…it ll stimulate all yr senses..n also SUMMER OF 2008 …anupar khers sons debut movie…
    awesome blog…n yr cartoon have given me inspiration to draw…spongy loveth it…muahahahahah

  9. Amruta Phansalker says:

    Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha… Soft Moan. yikkesssssssssssssssss 😀 I am still laughing. Btw, incredible way of describing Rani’s husband in Raja Ki Aayegi Baraat ( dumb f*** ). I think the right word would be worthless f***. 😀

  10. indy says:

    mumbai film industry produces some pure magical stuff, but unfortunately i was not gifted with the power to withstand most the magic. some of the most painful three hours in my life was watching ‘chalte chalte’ with my friends. but it also bears ‘lage raho munnabhai’. so there is hope I guess. most of the movies you review, I have not watched. but i get a brief glimpse of them through your review.
    i read your reviews and laugh uncontrollably because i know exactly what you mean. i tried watching ‘baazigar’ with a room-full of people, and i could not. the biggest problem was controlling my loud laughter during the sad and serious sequences.
    the reason i started writing this comment was the paragraph at the beginning of this post about ‘tu hamar babua’, it was pure shining brilliance. i laughed like mad for more than ten minutes. those few lines of yours reminded me all the hilarious bhojpuri posters i have seen, example: ‘saiyan ki sari, piya ki chunari’ and ‘panditji bataiye na kabh huyegi hamari shadi’, but you have to give it to them, they don’t pretend what they are. you get the exact message what are you in for.
    wish bollywood was like that.
    cheers!

  11. Jean says:

    seriously dude…every comment seems so appropriate. jus had a grt time reading all ur reviews on the bolly flicks. good work man. cheers.

  12. M says:

    For Jaani Dushman:
    http://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?title=Jaani_Dushman:_Ek_Anokhi_Kahani&oldid=263063558

  13. Adarsh says:

    How, in the name of the holy father, did you miss Gunda and Loha and every other Kanti Shah movie?

  14. Randhil says:

    I apepricate you taking to time to contribute That’s very helpful.

  15. yanjvxbhye says:

    fEHOS7 azlgrkzzldsu

  16. Rajatha says:

    You made my Friday Rock.. I have been reading all this aloud and laughing soo hard for 3 hours now!!! ZOMG..ur website is the epitome of sarcasm!! Keep it up!!

  17. Arun says:

    Whoa!!! Prem Aggan- Must watch now… Looks like we finally have the Indian Taboo

  18. Delnaaz says:

    HAHAHAH, I love your reviews man. I so know the feeling of watching movies soo bad it makes them good!! Kanti shah, My hero.

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