Mad Ads: Part 2 – The TeleSucking Network!

We’ve grown up watching them. Airing on channels no one watches, not unlike B4U and Alpha TV Punjabi, and occasionally on half-popular ones post midnight. You know what I’m talking about. Those hilariously dubbed over infomercials with the American Bikini Models talking about their “Khubsoorat Figure Ka Raaz”. Yep, that’s right. We shall be focusing exclusively on Home Shopping tonight, gentlemen and ladies.

Not the bad dubbing or the unbelievable overnight before and after makeovers they portray, though. Those’ve been spoofed to overkill already. And to be perfectly honest, I wouldn’t mind a badly produced ad if the product had enough weight on its own. God knows there’re a million awful brands with brilliant ad campaigns to back them. A good case-in-point being Virgin Mobile, whose network coverage is less than Adnan Sami pre-makeover… Oh, or Aishwarya Rai now.

Let’s get into it then. Bad Products, Badder Ads!


Liquid Sense

The Opposite Sex Seducer… Humans or Otherwise!

Buy Now @ http://www.telebrandsindia.com/Telebrands%20India%20-%20Liquid%20Sense.asp

Liquid Sense is apparently a perfume loaded with pheromones that help you attract the opposite sex. The Liquid Sense infomercial is an Ad so amazingly misguided, it’s kinda like that moment where Sunil Shetty and Co. must’ve gone, “Yes, we have read the script and we wanna do Jaani Dushman”. In that, it makes no sense!

The infomercial starts with the customary ‘geek being rejected, applying the product, then getting his groove on with the office hottie’ drill. We then delve into the finer aspects of the product, and that’s where it all goes into bizarrovision. We find out, in Discovery Channel documentary style, about pheromones and how all animal and insect species use them to attract the opposite sex. We are bombarded with trivia about how cats emit them in their pee or some such. Not once, however, do they mention whether the chemical composition of these pheromones is different in each animal species. It is left on an open note for us to assume that these pheromones are universal and, so, if a female cat happens to take a whizz around a horny male dog, we will be witness to something very, very disturbing. The ad also fails to mention if the perfume smells nice or not. But with it being found in cat pee and everything, I guess I don’t blame them for not wanting to talk about the scent.

Anyways, back to the product. Well, it sucks balls, I would assume. I mean, come on! A love potion? That’s like something out of a bad 90’s sitcom. And if Liquid Sense works anything like that, you’ll probably end up with 22 minutes worth of comical situations, mostly involving you attracting the ugliest person you see. Not recommended!

Urine Gone

A Murderer’s Best Friend!

Buy Now @ http://www.telebrandsindia.com/Telebrands%20India%20-%20Urine%20Gone.asp


‘Urine Gone’ is the reason why the word “Wotdafuck!” was invented. Alright, I only just made that word up. But when it does eventually find its way into the Oxford Dictionary, you guys can bear witness to the fact that this is why it was first used. Urine Gone, if branded a little more subtly, might’ve actually been a useful product in houses with pets, as it promises to get rid of stains and odors caused by pet pee.

However, the ad, in a matter-of-fact tone highly inappropriate for a product such as this, also mentions how it can get rid of human blood… Which would’ve been acceptable by itself but for the next part which makes matters a lot shadier. See, the package also comes with a black light. A black light, for those of you who don’t watch CSI or any of its million spinoffs, is a tool used by forensic detectives to detect “bodily fluid” stains which are not visible to the naked eye. The mind truly boggles wondering as to what the motivations behind marketing this product and its accessories to the mass public, including potential psycho killers, are… Unless they actually wanted to facilitate blood spatter and DNA-free crime scenes, the mentioning of the invisible blood detection and elimination is something a lotta people might’ve wanted to steer clear of. Not these guys though!

But ser iously! “For People Accidents”!? And they say it right on the cover too. Do they really expect the layperson to face situations such as the following?

“Average Joe: Hmm, I peed on the carpet today but I seem to have forgotten where. Good thing I have this black light handy. Thanks to Urine Gone, my house is pee-free!”

Seriously, Wotdafuck!?

Disco Fever

Audio CD Collection cum Respect Eliminator!

Buy Now @ http://www.telebrandsindia.com/Telebrands%20India%20-%20Disco%20Fever.asp

If you thought the motivations behind marketing the murder toolkit above were questionable, get a load of this grooviness. ‘Disco Fever’ is a 120 song Multi-CD Collection of disco tunes from the 1970’s, digitally remastered for studio perfect sound. All for a price of just Rs. 3999 + Postage and Handling.

4000 bucks for like 7 CDs. Scratch that… 4000 bucks for like 7 CDs with songs from an era where the Bee Gees were still Da Bomb. I just have one question. Umm… Why?



Now, if I happen to lead into a product with 2 images such as the ones given above, what would your first thought be? Hearing aid? Feng-Shui Crystals? Astrological Sign Gemstones? WRONG! I would, of course, be talking about a weight loss program!

Acu-Slim

“Nyanyanyanyanyanah! We just screwed you… Fatass!”

Buy Now @ http://www.telebrandsindia.com/Telebrands%20India%20-%20Acu%20Slim.asp

The Acu-Slim earrings apparently help you with weight loss. Cue the “Oh Brother!” Rolling Eyes. This is one of those “*Conditions apply” sorta deals, where if you don’t read and listen closely, you’ll be suckered and the product won’t work for ya. Of course, if you do read and listen closely, you probably won’t buy the product to begin with.

Anyways, these magnetic earrings have some accupressurising mumbo-jumbo working for them. Wear these studs and be on your way to a fitter you. Oh, however, and this is the *Conditions Apply part, you have to substitute your diet for a more nutritious one and follow a moderate to heavy exercise program.

Real World Equivalents

Girlfriend (to Boyfriend): Of course I’ll be less possessive… if you stop talking to other girls.

Varun Gandhi: I stand by everything that I said in that speech… but the tape was doctored.

All Non-Manchester United Fans: _______ (Arsenal / Chelsea / Liverpool) are the best… even though we haven’t won anything worth a mention in 3 years.

The Hollywood Purse Hook

The Bhenji’s Bling!

Buy Now @ http://www.telebrandsindia.com/Telebrands%20India%20-%20Purse%20Kit.asp


Even though the term ‘Hollywood’ betrays a lot of non-existent glamour, you should know that this product is nothing more than a glorified nail. It’s basically a suction cup with a hook attachment for hanging your purse on. You know, instead of having to put it on the floor… Or God forbid, on the table where you’re going to attach the hook (Which pretty much renders as much space useless as the purse would’ve). That’s enough to null and void this product off the market right there, really. And I haven’t even mentioned the countless inevitable footmarks on your handbag, the loss of legspace and the possibility of seekh-kababing yourself yet.

Until the next list then folks, it’s over and out!

Rating 4.90 out of 5
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24 Responses to “Mad Ads: Part 2 – The TeleSucking Network!”

  1. Vibha Srivastava says:

    Nice!!!!!

  2. Vyazz says:

    Man!!!…awesome ads. Are these really 4 real??…loved the pee cleaner one in particular….real riot!!!!

  3. Sahil Rizwan says:

    Hehe, they are painfully real.. The links are there if you wanna buy any of ’em.. =p

    • kanchan says:

      hi, sahil. Really loved ur blog. Awesome.its my first visit. But definitely the last. Love ur work. Cheers:-)

  4. Prerna says:

    the Urine gone ad review left me in splts… too good

  5. Ahmed says:

    This truly outdid your movie reviews….had me laughing like anything….gosh makes me wonder who the marketing geniuses are….

  6. Sahil Rizwan says:

    Hehe, thankings! =)

  7. Arps says:

    You forgot the ‘nazar suraksha kavach’. I was totally expecting to see that one on top of the list!

  8. Kushan says:

    Dude the Man U comment really hurt :(……Chelsea fan…hence…sob sob….btw I really fail to understand one thing…..we have seen these ads since late 90’s and the voice of the male and the female doing the dubbing are still the exact same…….how is that possible???

  9. Arjun Ghose says:

    Dood, you are the bestest! I have been hooked on to the website or the last 1 week, since I got introduced.

    A couple of suggestions – a) movie review of Jaani Dushman (new, mindfuck version) and b) Bestseller-book-to-leave-everyone-in-splits.

  10. Amruta says:

    Goddammit! The Weight Loss Earrings was just superb. I remember having seen it, and i also remember rolling with laughter throughout. :)

  11. krypt says:

    There is an extra offer on 7 set CD “Make a payment using your CREDIT CARD and get one more CD (18 tracks) absolutely free” …lmao

  12. Tanzila says:

    the urine gone is on my list of products to buy now!!!! hahahahhaha so many people to kill, so many tracks to cover!!

  13. D says:

    pee free???? amazing!

  14. shruti says:

    urine gone!! ahahaha! which person in his/her right mind would market a product with such a name? and who’s going to buy it??
    i hv a sneaking suspicion that these telemarketing progs are there just for their comic value.

  15. Kedar says:

    who in the real will pee on a carpet and then forget???

  16. Hi! I discovered your website today and I am glued to my laptop since then! one more suggestion- how about that anti-hair fall oil, ( I do not remember the name though: features Shewta Tiwari ) It’s hilarious.. and whenever they show their ‘LAB’ 4-5 fake doctors in cheap lab coat are walking here n there and there is a giant screen where some -Atom-ish figures are shown! Some research huh!

  17. Leela says:

    Read the Roald Dahl story “Bitch”.

  18. Sukanya says:

    Fabulous! Haven’t laughed so much in ages! Urine Gone was the absolute highlight…to think that there are actual people out there who think up and R&D bizarre products like this 😀 Keep up the great work!

  19. Jamika Hasek says:

    OK,I’m more than excited to get back into.

  20. Ashi says:

    i wud’ve never believed they actually sell this stuff for real, if the links weren’t given. hilarious. who even licenses them to sell such stuff?!

  21. Kanchan Angural says:

    the bhenji purse! hahahhahahahhahaha

  22. Ashvini says:

    Hey,

    Awesome. I used to read all new movie reviews since like last 6 months on your blog. but today started from the fisrt page and i just cant stop laughing….Urine gone..WTH…i mean they really have a product like that!!!!!! i havent laughed like this in ages..

    Though your Non Man U comment was hurting..You are soooo a typical Man Utd fan!!!!!!!!!!!

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