That’s right! The Encyclopedia is back, kickassier than ever before. In this, the second edition of the series, we cover five more potentially life-altering situations that may, or more likely will abso-fuckin-never, arise during the course of a normal person’s time here in this essentially non-bizarro world. For those who missed out on the first edition, you can catch up on it here.
The Quandary – How do you snag the girl you’re in love with who, mother of all original plot turns, is already married?
Alright! So you’re a fairly well-to-do guy, and while on a flight, you come across the gorgeousness that is the woman you want to hook up with for life. Trouble is, you find out that she’s already hitched.
The Kickass Solution-Provider
Now, not all people can take the shock of something that bumming very well. I mean, it is a woman you’ve shared airspace with for all of 2 hours. So here’s what Shahrukh Khan would have you do. You start off with a mild dose of stalking. Nothing too creepy. Just find out where she lives, her financial standing, when her periods are due… You know, mild! Then, you randomly keep making inappropriate job offers to her & hers from time to time. When they refuse, you proceed to beat the husband up, straight to the vegetative point of artificial life support. After, what I am forced to assume, catching up on missed ‘Rakhi Ka Swayamvar’ episodes for the season, you visit him in the hospital and pull the plug on his ventilator sometime later in the week. THEN, and this is the real dealmaker here folks, you use your financial clout to frame your love for your attempted murder, and send her month-old pregnant self to jail for 3 years!
I can understand if you’re a little confused and disbelieving of the strategy at this point. You can be rest assured, as the movie ends on a note not entirely unlike Romeo & Juliet. Of course, where R & J is an eternally bitchin love saga, this movie ends with the chick going, “My living is less important than your dying” and then proceeding to commit murder cum suicide cum mass audience mindrape. But come on! It’s as close to Shakespeare as you can get with a chick you widowed and sent to prison.
The Quandary – How do you cope with an ego-tussle that results in an ugly custody battle?
Two singers on opposite sides of the spectrum. The chick is an ultra-successful recording artist. The dude is talented enough, but is shit outta luck. The chick goes off to pursue greener pastures, leaving her offspring to be fended for by said dude. After getting bored with all the fame and money, she decides it’ll be fun to see what child-rearing is like, not unlike one Ms. Britney. The fireworks, thus, begin.
The Kickass Solution-Provider
Here’s how the scene plays out in the movie. Since the dad has taken care of the son for much of his preteen years, he deserves to win but can’t find a lawyer within his viable price range – Free to Ultra-Cheap. The mum has no case, but is rich and, if the quandary so arises, can afford to frame the dad for her attempted murder. And so begin the Kramer vs. Kramerish plot proceedings.
Now you might be wondering as to who this solution actually addresses. It is, of course, the kid who has been born to who have got to be the single loser-est couple to reproduce since the dawn of time. Talent or not, you have got to question the man who can’t catch a break as a singer at a time when Altaf Raja *Shudder* was considered the pinnacle of non-Bollywood singing. And the mum! Wow! How cheap do you have to be to be an ultra-successful popstar and still hire a lawyer who has the capacity to botch up a routine custody hearing against the cheapest for-hire attorney in the jurisdicition?! So kids, here’s what you do. You hustle the mum for gifts, ever teasing in front of her the possibility of you leaving the dad if she keeps up the pampering, while you get the dad to get a move on and get some serious cash flow coming in. It’s a win-win that this child truly deserves!
The Quandary – You love a girl who you are deemed not non-loser enough for and who is then married off to someone non-loserish enough.
The quandary as posed by this heart-tugging geniusness is that, despite your lover’s insistence, you refuse to doll up to meet your prospective father-in-law in an effort to be accepted for who you are. Who you are, unfortunately, is a broke, too-ego-toting-for-his-wallet jackass who will give up his love before he gives up his hard to fathom dignity. The bemused father kicks you the fuck outta his mansion and finds a real man for his daughter, as any parent not out of ‘Akele Hum, Akele Tum’ would do.
The Kickass Solution-Provider
Now, to understand the true lengths of Suneil Shetty’s character’s ego trip here, you have to know that it’s not like the father was an evil moustache tweaking villain here. He gives him a chance to man up and explain his future path. Suneil, however, thinks this is a good time to play ‘the take it or leave it’ card, leave it being the choice smacked in his face. With still no favourable responses forthcoming, it is out of sheer “I give upness” that the father calls in for groom reinforcements. Anyway, if your ego is as inflated as the former paramour here, this is what you do.
Stinging from what you perceive to be an uncalled for rejection, you decide to make a mark for yourself and vow to burn the new husband’s business to the ground corporate style. Observe how this epiphanous career decision doesn’t rear its motivational head at any other strategic life moment, like, say, when he was out to woo his soulmate’s dad for approval. You actually manage to pull off the coup too, grinding the couple to bankruptcy. But one heartfelt speech later, you are broken down and leave the lovers be, because… Well, you showed them what they missed out on. *Cough* Even though you end up alone and hollow from the spoils of your victory *Cough*.
The Quandary – You have just been introduced to the fact that you are one of the luckiest people in the world at a time when you need a lot of cash.
Lady Luck is essentially your bitch and there is little in this world that won’t go your way if you really want it. Sigh… Life sure can throw you some doozies sometimes.
The Kickass Solution-Provider
That’s what the movie ‘Luck’ would have us believe of Imran Khan’s character, who needs like 20 crores to pay off his suicided dad’s fraudulent IOUs. Enter a strange man who takes him to gambling joints and shows him that he just cannot lose. He lets him keep the evening’s wins and leaves him with the promise of a lot more cash if he follows him to Africa for reasons mysteriously unexplained. Totally up to him, by the way. No gangsta like threats here.
Now, what do you do when you need cash, have been introduced to all the underground gambling dens in the city and can’t lose at games of chance? You, of course, try to avoid all the traffic and transportation hassles of Bombay in trying to get from one den to the other and follow the gangster across continents on a chartered jet… to take part in a 20 day last-man standing competition that you probably won’t be allowed to come back alive from even if you survive. The sheer simplicity of the plan is worth the minor hiccup of looming death.
The Quandary – How do you screw up a woman’s life… a woman who you haven’t met like ever.
Nah! That’s not really what this movie is about. It could’ve been though, and if it was, it would’ve made for a much better watch. Anyway, it’s a quandary that the movie does unintentionally help us solve.
OK! So ‘Tum Bin’ is a masterclass in kicking a woman when she’s down and then helping her up, only to break off her engagement. It is the movie equivalent of getting punched below the belt by Mike Tyson and then getting your ear bitten off while you’re writhing around. Now, I hope no man ever faces this particular quandary, but if someone does, here’s how to go about ruining a woman you’ve never met.
You first run over a man and drive off without reporting the crime. Then you feel guilty and check up on his fiance. You find out that as his company depended on him for leadership, it is now being run into the ground. You know, ‘coz you played bumper cars with his body and your 2 ton SUV. So, in an effort to play the now good samaritan, you enter his fiance’s life and offer to bring the company back up on its feet. Mind you, this is without letting her catch on that you’re the reason that she’s been sexless for months. In all the ace company management, you accidently woo her, only to slap in her in the face, again, with a rejection because you feel too guilty to sleep with your murderee’s significant other. Then, along comes a rival company’s young CEO who takes a fancy to our little bruised and battered harlet. He proposes and she accepts. Life seems to have some semblance of normalness for her at last. It is at this point that you decide to fuck the guilt and break up the engagement by declaring your love for her. She just wants the insanity to stop and doesn’t care who she ends up with, so she takes your hand. Ladies & gentlemen, here is where you pull out all the stops in the ultimate “Fuck You” moment and break it to her that she just rejected a perfectly nice and successful man for the dude who is wanted in a hit & run case involving her fiance as the road kill.
The chick in the movie actually stands up to all the torturous mindfucking being doled out to her… to the point that the guy runs out of ideas and gives up and marries her. But trust me, in non-bizarro world, your job’ll be done by Para 2 Line 2.