Unintentionally Funny, Must-Watch Bollywood Movies: Part 2 – The Ghaat Resurrected

Yes, folks. We’re back! After the slight diversion, we return to our Ghaati roots with this, the second part of the Unintentionally Funny, Must-Watch Bollywood Movies series. So let’s get right to it, shall we?

Love Story 2050

Intended Genre: Sci-Fi Romance

Actual Genre: Films That’ll Make You Kill Yourselves Just So That You Don’t Have To Face The ‘Future’ Depicted Therein

The story sucks balls on so many different levels, it’s worse than a game of Ms. Pacman (You know, because the game involved eating balls and had like 256 levels). A Hrithik Roshan-Emraan Hashmi cross-hybrid, with an impossibly fake accent, falls for a chick. Chick dies. For no fathomable reason, other than the fact that the chick once mentions fleetingly that she wants to visit the year 2050, the hybrid decides that that’s where he’ll find her. Because it’s so hard to argue with logic like that, I’ll move on to the post-interval half. Enter the hybrid’s professor uncle whose pet project is, very conveniently, a time machine. The guy makes the trip, finds the chick, fights off some customary future goons, and brings the future Mrs. Hybrid back to Present Standard Time.

The future depicted here is, evidently, in awful need of good songwriters. Because the chick has been reincarnated as, wonder of wonders, The Biggest Popstar In The Entire World. What is her record breaking hit single, you ask? It’s a song whose chorus goes,

“Hey you, loverboy!

Will you be my toy?”

Yes. A chartbusting number, indeed.

You’d think that, being the future and all, our hero’d have a cool sidekick. And he does, if you consider a pink teddy bear called ‘Boo’ a cool sidekick. But again, like ‘Karzzzz’, the most unintentionally hilarious part of the entire fiasco is the villain, Dr. Hoshi, played, once again, by Gulshan Grover.

Hmm, a villain with a Japanese name, Count Dracula’s cape, a mask not unlike the one worn by Cobra Commander from the G.I. Joe series and the powers of Dragonball Z. A lethal combination in 2050, I’m sure. In 2009, however…….. *Shaking Head in Disappointment and Disapproval*

Ta Ra Rum Pum

Intended Genre: Nuclear Family Drama Set Against a NASCAR Background

Actual Genre: A Lesson In Bad Parenting During Recessionary Times

Having to look at Rani’s Thunder Thighs in skirts that get shorter with each song should be reason enough to turn you off this one. I can give you a lot more, if you so please, though.

The story involves Saif as a stock car driver who goes from underdog to America’s ace racer, all the while romancing this Bengali chick who he refers to exclusively as *Shudder* ‘Shona’. Shona’s dad, however, is disapproving of the budding relationship as he thinks racing is not a steady source of income*.

*It should be noted that the NASCAR driver who finished last in the 2007 season earned a grand total of $7 Million post taxes.

Anyways, the two kids elope, Shona quits her studies, has two kids and settles down comfortably while Saif gets into an accident on the tracks and loses any semblance of form and confidence that he ever had. Fired from the team, we realize that America’s best racer is broke. With no reasonable explanations given on where all the money went, we can only speculate that savings are a concept hopelessly lost on NRI racers. Either that, or Shona’s been a very naughty lil’ girl. p>

The family auctions their home and moves into a shady neighbourhood. At least that’s what they tell us. The producers even make sure that the entire block is occupied exclusively by African Americans and Hispanics, just so we get the point.

Now, I’ve noticed a sudden spate in the taking of quizzes over on Facebook, so here’s a quick one for ya.

Q – You’re an NRI family living in The States. You inexplicably go broke. You have two kids to support. What do you do?

a) Move back to India, where the cost of living is significantly lesser.

b) Suck it up, let go of your ego for the sake of your kids and approach your wife’s dad for a job or something.

c) Take up a job with the pit crew of a racing team. You were the best racer in the country 4 months ago. God knows managers will be falling all over themselves to recruit you.

d) Move to a bronx neighbourhood, take up a job as a cab driver and then tell your kids it’s because you’re part of a Reality TV show so as to “shield and protect” them.

Yep, if you trust the presence of this movie on this list, you can be sure that the dumbasses chose Option D. In what was my ultimate Laugh-Out-Loud moment while researching this loveliness, the following is a quote from the movie’s Wikipedia Page.

“The plot of this film can be compared with that of Will Ferrell’s Tallageda Nights.”

For those not in the know, Tallageda Nights is a spoofy comedy along the lines of “Dumb & Dumber” and is anything but the family drama Ta Ra Rum Pum hopes to be.

Taarzan: The Wonder Car

Intended Genre: Fun Action Adventure with Reincarnation Angle

Actual Genre: Knight Rider Meets Karzzzz

Taarzan’s movie poster is one of the single most “Are You Frikkin Kiddin Me!?” Pieces of Movie Art to ever have made it past the conceptual stage. I take that back, actually. The art work is alright. It’s that one line which reads “It will drive you crazy” that truly blows you away with its unbelievable accuracy.

Sample this. Ajay Devgan is a scientist/mechanic who is working on a top secret futuristic car called “DC” that blows the hell outta anything from Love Story 2050. He also has a shitty car given to him by his dad called “Taarzan”. Ajay is killed soon into the movie by other evil scientists after the designs. Years later, we meet his son, also a mechanic, who runs into Taarzan in a scrapyard. He buys the piece of junk and spends time restoring and upgrading it into something out of Speed Racer.

Pretty acceptable fare so far, huh? Not for long, as Ajay Devgan’s spirit somehow manages to find its way into the car and starts taking ‘Badlaa’ on the wrongdoers. Yessir! The dad is reincarnated as the car!

The funniest bit of research trivia, again from its Wikipedia Page, would have to go to the fact that the movie was actually made as a prelude to the launching of the Taarzan car into mass production. However, Due to huge failure of the movie at the box office, the car was never launched.”

Moral of the Story: The Ol’ Reincarnation Angle may not be the best marketing strategy when it comes to supercars.

Suryavanshi

Intended Genre: Fantasy Reincarnation Horror Drama

Actual Genre: “I’m Sorry. Wha!?”

Suryavanshi is one of those amazing movies that you really have to see to believe. It’s funny that after three instalments of this series, more than half the movies covered have involved some form of rebirth. This is no different.

The story involves Salman going to an archaelogical dig of a palace where, in a previous life he was a prince, his friend was a character based on the Norse God, Thor (Wikipedia’s words, not mine) and Amrita Singh was a princess. The princess has a wooing contest involving gladiators, man-eating leopards and a cannibal, bred to destroy humans. The Thor wala guy dies. Then, Salman’s prince dude comes and defeats the monster. When the princess offers her hand, he turns her down saying that he only wanted to avenge his friend’s death. Her father, the king, fights to make him undo that insult. The princess, distraught, jumps off the castle to her death. Distracted, Salman is stabbed by the king. The Queen mother then condems the princess’ soul to eternally be trapped within the castle walls.

Cut to the present, when Salman and girlfriend Sheeba, go into the castle late at night to do the hanky-panky. The princess’ spirit catches sight of Salman and is as happy as a spooky, eternally trapped spirit can be. She catches sight of the girlfriend, however, and gets so enraged that she, not unlike most scorned exes, “sends flaming missiles at the two” (Direct quote, again). In the middle of all this “getting back at the bitch who stole ma man” tomfoolery, Salman has an epiphany that he is, in fact, the prince from the prior life. He then “changes form, similar to the transformation of He-Man” (I Swear, I am not making this shit up) and fights her off with an incantation he finds lying around the castle handy.

If you want to know what Pagan Norse-yness is all about, this is as entertaining and as inaccurate an account as you’ll ever get.

Until next time then, dear readers. Adios!

Rating 4.48 out of 5
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Mad Ads: Part-1

Coming from an advertising background (a phrase used very loosely seeing as to how I recently quit my job as a Copywriter with an Ad Agency here after all of 10 months), I hardly have any right to make fun of the very career that has provided for me over this period. Having said that, if I can’t make fun of the field, I certainly can make fun of the fielders!
The Indian Ad Industry is up there with the best. They’ve won awards at international fests. They’ve featured in Ad Magazines abroad. And they’ve come up with campaigns that’ve given our generation new catchphrases to quote and overkill to a burnt crisp. But with the sheer volume of commercials airing on TV these days, every so often comes an ad so unique, so distinct and so astonishingly senseless, it kills the buzz created by the good ones faster than you can say, “I’m Lovin It”. Here’s a tribute to some of them.
Mad Ad#1 : Mistdress – The Spray On BandAid

I’ll let you take a moment and reflect on the sheer inappropriateness of the name of that product. Because I’ll tell ya, it’s pronounced the exact same way it shouldn’t be. 
Now, when you make the inexplicable mistake of naming a product ‘Mistdress’, a product aimed at mothers and kids, I might add, it’s hard for an advertiser to sidestep that awkward, indecorous barrier. What you look to do then is be tactful and try and divert attention elsewhere. What you don’t do is come up with a product mascot, such as the Spray-On BandAid wielding, sari-clad, superheroine type figure by the name of “Mistdress Mom”, that they did.
I tried searching for the video online, but to no avail. You guys have no idea how pained I am that I can’t share the sheer brilliance of that Ad with you. The concept is pretty straightforward. Kid gets hurt, Mom walks in with product, kid goes jumping around again. But the genius behind the idea of superheroining her up, complete with a line that goes “Mistdress Mom to the rescue”, is one to truly behold.
What really captures my imagination, though, is what other sorta capers Misdress Mom must get herself into:
  • A happy marriage to break up? It’s Mistdress Mom to the rescue!
  • Kids need evil stepmother after tragic death of Genetic Mother? Have no fear, Mistdress Mom is here!
I could go on, but there’s other stuff to go over here. 
Mad Ad#2 : Clean & Clear Oil-Control Face Wash


The product, once applied, comes with a promise of oil-free skin for 8 hours. Fair enough, because 8 hours covers your normal 9-5 workday. ‘Normal’, however, is one term I would not associate with the girl facing the problem in the ad. See, this chick has skin so oily, she can’t get a clip-on nose ring to not slip off her nose! Do you realize how lubricated it must’ve been up there to be able to facilitate a feat like that!? Move over Iraq, the world’s biggest oil reserves are within the pores of that chick’s nose. 
Why couldn’t the admen have gone for the tried and tested white hanky on the forehead, brown hanky off the forehead routine? Did they for one second, stop to realise that maybe it’s the clip that has the problem, and not her skin… Her skin which can support makeup and lip-gloss, but not a frikkin clip-on! Umm… Apparently not.
Mad Ad#3 : PCRA Infomercial About Turning Off Your Engines at Traffic Signals


Now I don’t really have a problem with the Petroleum Conservation Research Association (PCRA) Ad itself. It’s the kid they’ve used in the ad. Now I can’t really describe why I wanna strangle that tyke everytime I see that ad. But have you known that guy in your class who acts like a smartass, but inside, is just a smug dumbass asking to be slapped. You can probably recognize him from his quality of managing just about average marks, but still being a favourite with the teachers. The kid in this ad is that guy, only less smartassy and more dumbassy.
The ad takes place in a car at a traffic signal with the kid sitting beside his father. The kid starts surveying the landscape and we see the engines of all the cars and trucks around him still running, despite it being a red light. In a sudden burst of ‘Eureka’ type inspiration, the kid proclaims, “Cycle Repair Shop”! The dad, confused, asks the dumbass what he’s on about. He replies, with a smug smirk that screams “Slap Me!”, that that’s what he wants to do for a living… Because by the time he grows up, there’ll be no petrol for cars to run on and everyone’s gonna be using cycles. The dad has an epiphany and shuts off the engine.
Now, there’re a couple of things that struck me here. 
  1. If he’s so smart, why can’t he just open a cycle dealership instead of a lowly repair garage?
  2. If he’s so smart, how come he hasn’t heard of that Clean & Clear girl from the ad above, who’s storing enough oil in her nose to last us the next gazillion centuries.
You see folks? The reason he’s going to end up in a “Cycle Repair Shop” is because that’s the only thing he’ll have the intellect for. Of course, there is the slight possibility that he already knows that and is just using the oil conservation issue as a tool to get his dad to attest to and be proud of his shocking career plans… Which, instead of a dumbass, would make him the evilest and most manipulative child born this side of Damien Thorn from the Omen movies. 
Mad Ad#4 : HDFC Standard Life Insurance

We’ve all seen the ad. Old couple at home. 
Scene 1 – Old dude asks old chick whether she can still clean around the house so that they can save money on the servant. 
Scene 2 – Asks her whether she can cook. 
Scene 3 – Whether she can wash clothes or some such. 
Old chick asks him to borrow money from their daughter. He throws a fit. Says the only thing he’s ever asked for is her hand in marriage. Old chick whips out a nice serving of sarcasm, asks him whether he did that to show her days like these in their old age. Old dude whips out 2 tickets in retaliation and says, “Nahi, Tumhe Singapore Dikhane Ke Liye”
Now, I first discussed the merits of this ad with someone a while back. I have since realized that I may have missed the point the first time around. But I shall still go ahead and pretend that didnt happen because it’s more fun this way. =) 
See, from my layperson understanding of things, and the way that last conversation progresses, I can safely assume that the only way the old dude could afford those tickets was by cutting down on the luxuries of their current lifestyle, namely the house-help. So, in effect, what he was asking of his “old maid” can be represented with this slightly altered diagram that some of you may recognize from here.
Jeeyo Peeth Jhukake
Yeah. As much fun as a trip to Singapore with an old dude sounds, I think the old chick got gypped here.

Mad Ad#5 : Unwanted 72 – The Emergency Contraceptive Pill


Save the best for last, right? Well, this ad for a morning-after pill, starring the real-life couple Tanaaz and Bakhtiyar,  deserves that tag as much as any. Again, I couldn’t find the video anywhere, so you shall have to do with my vivid descriptions. 
The ad begins with a distraught Tanaaz lying in bed early one morning. We see Bakhtiyar among the furniture and sundries in the background frame. It is implied that they have done the dirty the night before. Clueless as any man is around a woman with a problem, the guy asks what’s wrong. In an astonishing twist, we find out it’s not the fact that she slept with that loser. It’s the fact that she slept with that loser without any protection. Understandable, as you can’t blame her for wanting to get that unpleasantness over with in a hurry? 
So they’re sitting there screwed, basically, when a godsent ad announces over their television the awesomeness that is “Unwanted 72”. She takes the pill and, well………. 
Now, I’m pro-choice and all for female empowerment and all that jazz. I respect a couple’s right to have a baby when they want to and not before. But there’s being relieved, and then there’s just plain being distasteful. Because after the chick takes her pill, the ad fades into a frame of the guy and the girl doing a little ball dance move. A DANCE MOVE! It’s like, “Dudes, if you haven’t realized, they just killed a potential human being!” Portraying them doing a jig may not be the most appropriate thing in the world. If it was someone like Mistdress Mom, I would still understand. But a real world couple… dancing… after murder… Sigh, you talk about innocence lost.
I would like to reiterate the fact that the PCRA Informercial is something we should all take seriously. I would like to reiterate more that I find that kid irritating as hell. 

Rating 4.71 out of 5
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